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12) HUMOR and other stupid things

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Strange News

How to Swat a Mosquito

By Jason Socrates Bardi, Inside Science News Service

posted: 26 August 2009 05:23 pm ET

Mosquito

An Aedes aegypti mosquito feeding on blood. Credit: USDA
WASHINGTON (ISNS) — Spring this year was unusually wet in the eastern half of the United States, with heavy rains falling from everywhere from Kansas and Missouri to New York City and Washington, D.C., the National Weather Service reported — and with those rains has come a bumper crop of mosquitoes.

According to Jeannine Dorothy, a Maryland state entomologist, the wetter than usual spring means more mosquito eggs — and more of the adult critters to swat.

“Our traps have probably been ten times above normal,”

Dorothy said. Where overnight traps might normally catch 80 or so mosquitoes, Dorothy said, she and her colleagues were seeing 1,000 or more bugs in their traps in July. Their observations predict an itchy end to summer.

What’s the best way to swat those pesky skeeters?

According to Jim Brasseur, a fluid dynamics professor at Penn State University, the best approach is to clap or slap from both sides — rather than a swat from one side only.

Just as a hand passed quickly through a tank of water will force the water to move around it, a hand swept through the air towards a mosquito will push a column of air at the insect, forcing it around the hand. Because mosquitoes are small and light, they can ride the flowing air right over a swatting hand. Unless the aim is perfect and the mosquito is riding the air right into the center of the hand, a swat will fail to make contact and the mosquito will live on.

A better strategy, said Brasseur, is to slap your hands together with the mosquito in between. The two clapping hands will force dual columns of air together and create a larger “dead water” region to trap the mosquito as the hands meet. With a clap, your timing and aim don’t have to be quite as good as with a swat, so it is relatively easy to clap the critters between your palms.

Another strategy is to swat the bug against a surface. A flat surface will block the wind flow and also create a dead water region to trap the bug before it is squashed.

One of the best surfaces, advised Dorothy, is the arm or neck. Wait until they land and start biting and then swat them, she said. “Then they are less likely to fly away.”

Such skills will be necessary next year as well, she added. The high number of mosquitoes this year means a likely bumper crop of the critters again next year because the females have likely been laying an expanded number of eggs on dry ground, where they will remain until the heavy rains of 2010.

CLICK TO READ MORE BRILLIANCE TO HELP MANKIND

 

 

THIS IS NOT PROPER TO SEE.THIS SHOULD BE REMOVED,

until then, go directly to the text for a further understanding

of the serious nature of posting such a provocative picture.

 

Her name is Katie and shes got one of the nicest asses in our class I want to share it with the world.

 

THIS IS  A SERIOUS COURSE STUDY OF THE HUMAN ANATOMY. NOTICE THE SYMETRICAL LINES OF THE LEFT AND RIGHT BUTTOCKS. A  DEEPER AND THOROUGH   CONCENTRATION INTO THE REASONS OF SUCH  DEVELOPMENT IS LIABLE TO HELP SOME  RISE TO A HIGHER LEVEL OF SCHOLASTIC  UNDERSTANDING. IN A COMPARISON STUDY OF VARIOUS ETHNICITIES, IT WAS FOUND THAT THERE WAS NOT ANY NOTICEABLE DIFFERENCE IN REACTION OF EITHER MALE OR FEMALE STUDENT TO THE  FEMALE ANATOMY IN QUESTION.

 

NOTICEABLE  SIMILAR REACTIONS TO BOTH GENDERS WERE AS FOLLOWS. BOTH GENDERS WANTED CHOCOLATE AFTER VIEWING THE PICTURE AND WANTED MORE CHOCOLATE WHEN VIEWING A LIVE MODEL.

 

BOTH GENDERS SEEMED TO HAVE BATHROOM URGES MORE FREQUENTLY.

BOTH GENDERS MOUTHS SEEMED TO SALIVATE MORE THEN USUAL.

EVEN MORE ASTOUNDING WAS THAT A LEANER PHYSICAL APPEARANCE  DID CAUSE THE  STUDENT TO LOSE CONCENTRATION AFTER 5 MINUTES OF OBSERVATION INTO THE RECESSES OF SAID MODEL AS SHE SPOKE.

AN AMAZING AND UNEXPLAINABLE PHENONENON REPORTED WAS MALE STUDENTS EYESIGHTS BECAME BLURRY, PIMPLES CLEARED FROM THEIR FACES AND  HAD EVEN  MORE FREQUENT URGES TO RUSH TO THE MENS ROOM AS THE MODEL PERSPIRED WHICH WAS DUE TO A FAULTY AIR CONDITIONER

 

IT SEEMS SOME  STUDENTS MALE AND EVEN A FEW FEMALE, HAD TAKEN THE WRONG COURSE THINKING THEY WERE IN A CREATIVE WRITING CLASS. WHEN ASKED TO DESCRIBE  PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES  OF THE HUMAN BODY, ALL STUDENTS SEEMS TO BE SAYING THE SAME THING AS THE MODEL SELFISHLY STOOD IN THE EXTREME HEAT DUE TO THE FAULTY AIR CONDITIONER AND HARDLY MOVING , THE STUDENTS ECHOED IN LOW WHISPERS  WHICH INDEED WAS CREATIVE AND POETIC TO PHRASE  ……………’’HER BODY IS GLISTENING WITH SWEET SWEAT.’’

 

 IT WAS A MYSTERY, AS NOT ONE STUDENT WOULD DESCRIBE THE STRANGE REACTIONS . TO DATE IT STILL REMAINS AS AN UNSOLVED MYSTERY AND WILL BE INCLUDED IN A NEW  ’SELF DISCOVERY AND HELP’  BOOK

TITLED  ‘TALES OF THE DEEP’,   BATTERIES NOT NEEDED.

 

 THESE  RESULTS WERE ASTOUNDING AND THE ENTIRE FACULTY STAFF DECIDED THAT FURTHER STUDY WOULD BE NEEDED.  VOLUNTEERS THAT ARE ABLE TO VERBALIZE THEIR FEELINGS ARE BEING SOUGHT AFTER IN ORDER TO CONTINUE A FAIR AND BALANCE STUDY.

 

THE COURSE LEADER DECIDED TO CALL IN A WELL KNOWN  EXPERT IN THE FIELD.

HIS NAME IS BILL CLINTON WHO ASKED THAT WE EXPEDITE THINGS AS HE PRESENTLY HAS FREE TIME ON ACCOUNT OF HIS WIFE IS BUSY IN THE MIDDLE EAST AND WOULD BE RETURNING SOON TO THE USA. PRESENTLY HE IS ABLE TO DEVOTE HIS FULL ENERGIES TO ASSIST THE FACULTY IN THIS GROUND BREAKING  STUDY.

 

 

 

 

SIDE NOTE:

MR CLINTON REQUESTED TO  HOLD CLASS AMONGST THE CHERRY TREES, WHICH HE THOUGHT WOULD BE MORE INSPIRATIONAL IN SUCH A GROUND BREAKING STUDY. MR. CLINTON SAID HE ENJOYS GATHERING AND BREAKING CHERRIES WHILE SEARCHING  FOR INSPIRATION. STRANGELY ENOUGH HE ALSO ADDED THAT IF CHERRY TREES WERE NOT SO READILY AVAILABLE HE WOULD ACCEPT PEACH TREES AS IT BROUGHT BACK TO HIM HAPPY MEMORIES.

 

 

 

 

. THIS WRITER IS STILL BAFFLED BY SUCH AN UNUSUAL REQUEST AND IS

TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT CHERRIES OR PEACHES HAS TO DO WITH ANATOMY STUDIES.

 

 

THIS COURSE IS A PREREQUISITE TO ALL MEDICAL COLLEGES.

 

IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY SUCH INTERESTING BUT FORTHRIGHT ARTICLES, PLEASE WRITE IN WITH ‘CC’  TO THE LOCAL  FIRE DEPARTMENT.

 

TO THE RITUALLY OBSERVANT COMMUNITY. YOU WOULD HAVE TO GET A ‘HETER’ FROM YOUR LOCAL  RABBI  TO SIGN UP FOR THIS COURSE

 

 

       

 

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 AN INTERVIEW WITH GENERAL DACON…….

LOST DESERT – Have you ever heard of General Dacon? Everyone who has participated in the recent Lost Desert Plot probably has, though not too much is known about him besides he is a General (obviously) in the Sakhmet army, and that he’s a Shadow Tonu. Nothing much has been said of him since the end of the Plot… This is why I plan to find him and give him an interview! I bet all of his fans are wondering what happened to him… What’s that? You don’t think he has any fans?… Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. We’ll never know. Why am I going to give him an interview if I’m not sure whether he actually has any fans or not?… It’s still a good idea for an interview. That’s why.
Here’s how the interview went after I finally got it:

Me (my name is Basabre, by the way): *pant* *pant* Woo… Maybe walking to Sakhmet was a bad idea…

Tonu Guard *watching me walk up the stairs to the palace*: You there! What do you want? No one is allowed in!

Me: Could I see General Dacon? I have some questions I would like to ask him.

Tonu: You’re too late. He left on vacation a couple of days ago.

Me: And where might I find him?

Tonu: First I want to know what you are going to ask him.

Me: Just a quick interview, nothing much.

Tonu: He’s vacationing somewhere on Mystery Island. You’ll probably find him on the beach, though.

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Now, I’m just going to stop for a second. I live on Mystery Island. I flew over the giant Neopian Ocean (I’m an Eyrie) and walked across the Lost Desert (Sakhmet is concerned about their enemies attacking from the sky, and they have archers in towers to make sure they aren’t stunned by an aerial attack, and I chose to walk across the blistering desert rather than to get my wings filled up with arrows) only to find out that Dacon is vacationing on Mystery Island.

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Me *struck by disbelief*: Oh… Thanks.

2 hours later…

Me *gasping for breath*: *pant* *pant* I better get this… *pant* … interview… *gasp* soon… *looks over towards the beach and sees a shadow colored lumpy form sitting in a beach chair* … Oh… What luck. *runs over to the lump* General Dacon?

Dacon *lifts up his sunglasses, gets into a position where he can see me, and looks at me*: Yes? Do I know you?

Me: No, but I was just wondering if you mind-

Dacon *puts his sunglasses back down over his eyes and goes back to a relaxed position*: Giving you an autograph? Helping you sign up for Sakhmet’s army? Look kid, I’m on vacation. Why else do you think I’m here on Mystery Island and not in the Lost Desert?

Me *looks down at my feet*: Yeah, I was informed that you’re on vacation… But do you mind if I give you a short interview?

Dacon: Will you go get me a smoothie?

Me: Umm, okay… What kind?

Dacon: Large Salmon Sherbert.

Me: Okay… Will you let me give you an interview if I do?

Dacon *without taking his sunglasses off or even moving this time*: Sure… But hurry up.

12 minutes later…

Me *panting and completely exhausted now, but crawls over to Dacon and hands him his smoothie*: Here you go… Sir…

Dacon: Good job… But if you ever plan to join Sakhmet’s army, you need to get in better shape.

Me *pulls out a pencil and a notebook*: I’ll keep that in mind. First Question: How do you feel about Princess Nabile and Prince Jazan’s marriage?

Dacon: Well, first of all, I’m glad Jazan isn’t trying to destroy Sakhmet anymore, but I still don’t trust him, even if it really was Razul who set the curse and drove him crazy… But what if that was all an excuse? What if he turns on Sakhmet and takes over? I don’t think too many would like the outcome if that happened.

Me *writes, ‘General Dacon is super paranoid that Prince Jazan is still evil and will attempt to take over Sakhmet’*: Second Question: Why does it seem that only Tonus like you can join Sakhmet’s Army?

Dacon: Oh, we aren’t all Tonus; Tonus mostly guard the palace, Princess Amira prefers them over others. The rest of the army is mostly Elephantes, Grarrls, and even a couple Eyries. Elephantes cover most defenses, Grarrls cover most attacks, and Eyries watch the sky. There are other species that are in the army, like Lupes and Kougras, but it’s mostly composed of Tonus, Grarrls, Elephantes, and five or six Eyries. No wusses.

Me: Does that mean I can join?

Dacon: You have to do a ton of paper work, you have to prove you’ll be loyal to the army and the Royal family, and you also have to bring your own weapons, but we will provide you with one sword and some armour. You also need to get in better shape, like I said before. If we were attacked and you had to fight, you wouldn’t last two seconds in that heat.

Me: Hmmm… Never mind. Sounds a bit difficult to join. Third Question: How did you become the General of the Sakhmet Army?

Dacon *chuckles to himself*: It’s a long story, but I’ll sum it up. I’d been fighting in that army for five years. I saved King Coltzan III’s life from an assassin. Being the generous guy he was, he decided to get me promoted to General. I still miss Coltzan, and I’m rather sad that only a short while after I saved him someone betrayed him and poisoned him, and I’m sure that if I had been on duty that day I could’ve stopped the whole thing from happening.

Me: *writes most of that down*: Yes… That was a rather unfortunate day, wasn’t it?

Dacon: Uhh… Yeah… Wasn’t that exactly what I was saying?… And are you almost done? I’m growing bored of your company by the second.

Me: Of course. Fourth Question: Are you going to be in any future Lost Desert (or maybe other) plots?

Dacon *shrugs and frowns*: Heck, how am I supposed to know?…

Me: I thought maybe the Neopets Team would tell you what other plots there will be and if you’re going to be in them…

Dacon: Well I haven’t gotten any notices concerning plots I’m going to be in yet.

Me *writes down, ‘don’t expect to see Dacon in any plots anytime soon’*: Thanks, that was my last question. See ya.

And there’s an interview with General Dacon. Hope you enjoyed it, whether you are a Dacon fan or not.

 

NEW SCIENTIFIC STUDY SUPPORTED BY AL GORE. ”BEWARE OF GLOBAL COOLING” his new book released today

March 3rd, 2009 by DACON9 | 5 Comments | Filed in Humor & useless stuff Edit

COMMENT BY A GENIUS WHO DOES NOT READ: ….genius says> O REALLY?..THERE WAS A SYMPOSIUM OF OVER 400 SCIENTISTS WHO LAUGH AT GORES THEORIES AND ACCELLERATION RATIOS… genius read again …lol.

and genius answers:   lol….no ,!! you are the genious if you dont know what i am refering to..lol..i i know exactly what i posted it was not a typo…..

SO I HAVE TO ADMIT..I STILL DONT KNOW..BUT LIKE EINSTIEN..NO ONE UNDERSTOOD HIM EITHER..AND I DONT UNDERSTAND YOU…GENIUS !

and genius answers agian..just like my ex wife: DONT WORRY ABOUT TRYING TO DECIPHER EINSTEIN ….ESP IF YOU DIDNT GET MY COMMENT…EINSTEIN IS BEYOND YOUR GRASP…THE JOKE WAS: “GORES HYPOTHESIS WAS A JOKE…THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY HAS BEEN LAUGHING AT IT BY THE HUNDREDS…SO WHEN YOU POSTED YOUR OBVIOUS REFERENCE TO A JOKE…I POSTED A COMMENT BASED ON THAT JOKE…GET IT NOW?….

my ex wife didnt leave me alone either,,even after i admitted I dont know what she  meant…why did Eve give the apple to Adam?,,she is the cause of all this grief….LOLOLOL…

 

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THE ORIGIN OF SHWARMA

I CAN ATTEST BY MERE NUMBERS OF SHWARMA STANDS..
BY NESSESSITY…
BY QUALITY…..
THE ORIGINATION OF SHWARMA..
IS……………………………..
A MOUNTAIN IN BROOKLYN NEW YORK….

BROOKLYN HAD THE FIRST SHWARMA
it came about like this….
NOAH started us to eat meat…we had a little of this  left over and a little                                                                                           of that and one of his kids threw the left overs in the pot that was on the fire..

Noah said..NU? VAS DIS?
 (he knew  Brooklyn yiddish )
Noahs son said ”cholent” Dad…
”no dats no cholent
go put it on a stick and put it on a charcoal fire,
and ve vill call it  SHWAR,,,

THE SHWAR WAS COOKED..
AND IT WAS GOOD

NOAH and his family was starving,
I mean floating who knows where gets ya hungry….

NOAH SAID OK CALL EVERYBODY, LETS EAT…
NOAH YELLS OUT’
‘WHERES YOUR MOTHER? GET YOUR MOM”

THE KIDS ALL TOGETHER
YELL OUT…..
”SHWAR   MA ,,,ITS READY  MA
and so their mom was eating in delight and asked,
”VUS IZ DIS?”
 They answered all at once..
Gee MA, dont you know anything..
MA ITS CALLED SHWAR  MA…

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THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DONT CHOOSE THE RIGHT YESHIVA

 

 

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I WAS ROBBED BY THE LOTTERY

Businesses have to straighten up and fly right or fly right outta here. I am fed up with retailers taking advantage of us shoppers. If a shopper buys something from a store, lets say like Macys, or Walmart or a small store in the neighborhood .

You  trust that store to give you reliable products that they will work as expected or the will wear for a length of time and not look shabby and the television set will be clear sharp and pull in all the channels available. RIGHT ?

Its implied that a product made for a purpose will work for that specific purpose. If it doesn’t, and the store wants to keep their customers coming back, shopping care free, if the product doesn’t work as expected, you  the shopper go back ,tell the manager and get your money back…..dam straight you get your money back or you never shop their again…..

Well listen to this, here is some numbers, 5 ,17, 23, 24, 31, 39. Look at the numbers, see it? Simple clear and easy. So i took those numbers wrote them down and handed it to the local 24 hr mart, i think it was 7-11.The guy gave me a receipt and i kept that receipt as i am suppose to.

That night, the numbers and the ticket didnt work. I was wayching my tv intently for my numbers  and it didnt come up.I didn’t get my moneys worth, I didn’t win ! unnerstand, I didn’t win ? It was a defective ticket , I expected to win!

 So I did what I always do by going back to the store for my money back. I told the guy ’I want my money, I WANT MY MONEY BACK ON THIS DEFECTIVE LOTTERY TICKET !’

The Indian said ””NOOO RREFUNDS”” I told him, I dont want no refunds, I want my money back buddy, the lottery didn’t work, you have flashing lights saying 64 million dollars, I brought my shopping cart to carry the money home , either give me 64 million dollars or my money back !!!

He took some curry powder, sprinkled it in the air and chanted some Indian ‘heebee jeebees’  and I was outta there before the police came.

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